Desperate Times

It hit me hard this weekend that I was on a slippery slope, sliding out of control toward being obese again. It also hit me hard that there is no way I can correct my course without help.

I've been here before, in this place where I keep telling myself "tomorrow I'll start eating right" or "what is wrong with me? why'd I put that food in my mouth?" And the way I fixed it, at last, was through L.A. Weight Loss, where I met with someone three times a week and followed a prescribed portion plan.

Unfortunately they went out of business in our town in 2008--before I finished my one year contract with them, by the way.

So yesterday I called a local hospital's weight management center. It's a bariatric surgery center, but they have a non-surgical program that is medically supervised and has weekly meetings. I'm going on Tuesday at noon to an informational meeting, and then the weekly meetings will start for me on Wednesday of the next week (I have to have a medical review with a nurse before I can start the meetings).

I guess it's a little nuts to start a weight loss program right before the holidays, but honestly I just can't take this anymore. I could easily gain 10 more pounds by the end of the year--or, hell, it could 20 pounds at the rate I'm going--and I'm not willing to put myself in the "obese" category again.

It's hard enough feeling like I do now. I can't even fathom what 170 or 180 pounds would feel like again.

And I don't ever, ever want to find out.

Thankfully I'm self aware enough (& desperate enough) that I know I can't do this by myself. I need accountability, I need a financial investment, and I need an official plan. So I'm hopeful that the hospital program will be the ticket.

It may be a desperate measure, but that's what I need right now.

M.I.A.

Missing in action is definitely how I feel lately, & not just in blog land. My life right now is so far from what I want it to be--so far from what I've created over the past two years--that I feel like I'm missing an essential piece of who I am.

Namely, the Skinny Girl.

I'm in crisis, guys. My dad's dying, and he's getting a divorce (yes! a divorce! this is a very, very good thing), and it's a lot of work (I'm handling all his finances & paperwork) and emotional upset (the separation/divorce filing court hearing was yesterday and it was a really tough day).

I haven't run or done any exercise since the half marathon on October 11. I've had a few good food days here & there, but there's no consistency for me to get any traction. I've been having those "I can't control myself" feelings around food again and the "Why am I eating like this?" zombie brain like the bad old days.

Work is crazy busy, which is good because we have gotten a couple new clients recently and we are doing marketing events and we are making some money. Every month we are still in business is a victory. But busy is still busy, and it's just one more thing derailing my workouts & food.

I'm not in a place where I can just prioritize better, or wake up earlier, or plan my meals ahead of time. Yes, those are all excellent ways to live a better life. They just aren't possible for someone in my position.

Which is hanging by my fingernails from a very steep cliff.

Thank God, we are healthy. Neither of the kids is sick. I've picked up something in the last day or two but it's just an annoying head cold thingy. Mark is doing okay. Sophie's dizzy spells have been, praise the Lord and medication, pretty much nonexistent this fall. So I'm not without saving graces here.

I have tons of family support. My mom and my sister are always there for me. My uncle (my dad's brother) has been a rock. There are many extended family members--cousins, aunts--who are coming to our rescue, as well.

I am not alone. I'm just overwhelmed.

I will be around the blog world, as I have a little time. This part of who I am--my blog, my bloggy friends--is why I know I can resurrect Skinny Girl when things aren't so insane.

I just hope she doesn't get completely smothered by Fat Girl. I'll settle for Moderately Overweight Girl for the time being.

***
And yes, dear friend Vickie, I had a lovely time with my dad at the Celtic Woman concert, thank you for asking. Altogether, there were 15 of us there! Dad & Mark & Sophie & my niece Jillian got to go backstage & meet two of the singers. It was a remarkable evening that my dad said "filled a hole in his heart." Sophie said she will always remember that night, as long as she lives. I think the rest of us will, too.

Imagine what I could do if I applied myself

So I ran the half marathon Sunday, even though I'd only gotten 4 hours sleep the night before and even though my training basically evaporated 2 months ago.

It wasn't bad.

I finished officially in around 2:54:ish, and unofficially (because my Garmin stops counting when I stop) in 2:43:ish. I walked a good portion of the last 3 miles and my running pace, when I was running, was much slower than usual, in the 11 - 12 min/mile range.

I was really, super glad I did it.

I didn't get injured, I didn't feel horrible all day, and I was stiff the next day but on Tuesday I was back to feeling normal.

It's frankly amazing that my body cooperates with me so well. I feel like I have been given a huge gift, to be able to run/walk 13.1 miles with virtually no training, not hurt myself, and not be miserable for days after.

So I keep thinking to myself "Imagine what I'd do if I'd trained?!"

I'll share more soon......

Tiny little update

So today is a good day. I'm taking it a day a time, and today so far is a good day.

I got to run yesterday, 3.24 miles, 39 minutes. It was a good run. I felt strong, even though it had been forever since I'd run much. I weighed 158.6 this morning, so I'm holding steady. I didn't binge last night--it's hard to eat Oreos when you're watching The Biggest Loser, ya know?

Things with my dad are still going well. He wanted to take the family to see The Celtic Woman performance this Saturday night, so we have 13 tickets (we have a big extended family!) and we are all going. It's his big "final gift" to everyone. I'm going to surprise him with a gift of our own--we have backstage passes for him. Right now we have 2, and I'm trying to get a 3rd so that both my sister & me can go with him. Otherwise, I'll let my sister go (if that's what Dad wants) because she has put up with so much crap over the years and never left his side. I think it will mean the world to him.

I'm still waffling about the half marathon, which is this Sunday. I really want to do it. If I get any semblance of decent sleep & the weather is cooperative, I'm going to. If it's too much, then I won't. No pressure on myself, at all. I figure I can do it in 3 hours without too much trouble (hope those aren't famous last words!).

For now, it's all good.

Except I got a speeding ticket this morning, which sucks. But you know? It didn't really upset me, so I guess that's a sign I'm dealing with life pretty well right now. Thanks be to God.

Is it Friday already?

And it's October? Are you kidding me? My son turns 4 in a month. Christmas is less than 3 months away. 2010 is a mere 90 days from now.

I guess my age is starting to show, because time is flying by faster than ever.

We also are one year out from when we thought the financial world was going to collapse. I'm frankly astonished--and thankful--that we (my husband & me) are still in business. It's been a rough year. But we survived.

Things are going well with my dad. The wife is still gone. They are emailing each other, and he is forwarding all their emails to me & my sister so we know what's going on and so he feels protected, emotionally, from her. He still loves her, he says, but he can't have her in his life anymore because of how she shuts everyone else in his family out. I've spent more time with him & talked with him more in the past week than I have in the last 2 years. And it's good time. There's immense healing going on. He's a different person. He told me he feels alive for the first time in years. This, from a man who the doctors have said has 6 to 12 months to live.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

I lifted weights Wednesday night & ran 1.5 miles. I still feel sore. If I'm going to do any more workouts this weekend, though, it's going to be a stretch--I've got plans with Sophie & Mark tonight (nature walk with church group) and tomorrow (swim lessons @ 9:30, pick up my dad for the ALS walk at 11:30, ALS walk from 11:30 - ?, stay with my dad until 7 p.m.-ish). Then Sunday will be church, grocery shop, laundry, clean, and family vegetation in front of TV football if there's time.

Anyway, I'm doing OK. I haven't gained any more weight, which is a plus. My jeans still fit. I brought my SAD light into the office & started sitting under it yesterday. It's on right now. I only have to sit under it for 40 minutes so it being kind of in the way isn't a big deal. I just move it when I'm done.

So that's it from here. I will check in with you all next week.