Mid week update

Wait, is it Thursday already? That's the kind of week it's been.

But relative to recent weeks, it's been stellar. Nobody's sick, everyone's in school & at work. No (more) major technology failures. And as far as I know, I haven't pissed anyone off recently.

Food & exercise are perfectly acceptable. I'm on Day 11 of the crack diet & I'm sticking to the plan. I weighed 151.4 this morning. My jeans that were cutting off my circulation a couple weeks ago now fit much more easily and I'm not straining against all the seams any more.

And I have run the past 2 days--3 miles Tuesday & 4 miles Wednesday. I have yet to do the Shred video again, which is silly really because it's only 20 minutes. But seriously, the only 20 minutes I'd have is at 5:30 a.m. (which isn't happening...yet) or at 9 p.m. I'm not quite ready to commit exercise to either of those times yet, so it's going to be running after work/before kid pickup for now.

This afternoon I'm meeting with Sophie's doctor about her dizzy spells & my suspicions of her ADD (attention deficit, not hyper activity). I'm hoping it's a productive meeting & we get some solid next steps.

Then tonight I'm going to a friend's house for a Southern Living at Home party. I've never been to one of these, and really I couldn't care less about what they have to sell. Unless it's a kitchen multi-tasker that I can't live without, I'm not buying anything. I'm so over *consuming* stuff. I don't want anything for my home, my yard, my car, my body. I'm satisfied with what I've got. I don't need no more.

But I'll get to visit with my girlfriends, and that's why I'm going. Time with the girls without kids is, unfortunately, very rare.

Not much else to report. Good stuff is good stuff & I'm thankful to not be whining and complaining any longer. I hope it lasts for a while. :)

Still on the wagon, but hanging on with my fingernails

Life has been crazy lately. Thankfully, this low carb diet helps keep the food cravings away even when I'm under stressful conditions that would normally trigger a carb binge.

Work is nuts. I've had multiple technology failures since last Thursday. The printer & my email have taken up countless hours and money. I hate it when things don't work, because it makes me a grouchy girl & I get absolutely nothing done.

All this plus the stock market tanking is making me a big bottle of nerves.

Oh, and did I mention I haven't run in over a week?

It's all just been too much.

But, again, thank God I'm on this diet plan because otherwise I'm sure I'd be pushing 160 by now. Instead, I weighed 151.2 this morning! Woohoo!

My pants are already looser. I still have the muffin top (sometimes I truly wish we'd go back to high waisted pants from the 80's), and that doesn't go away until I get into the mid 140s. At least it went away the last time I visited 146 in October.

I ended the first low carb week at 5 days. Sunday night I had a little slip--a few vanilla wafers, a couple bites of ice cream, but that's it. And Monday when I woke up I just could not take eggs again for breakfast. So I made an executive decision to skip the 2 days I had left of low carbing, and go straight to week 2.

Which means I had grits with protein powder for breakfast yesterday, and I just had rice & beans for lunch today. Tomorrow I get 2 carbs before 3 p.m.

I love this plan. I love the variety. I love that I can stick to it. I love that I have energy & don't feel bloated. I love that my waist is already back to 29 1/2". (Like the true tracking freak I am, I started measuring every day when I started this diet. I had no idea that water weight affected my "size" so much. I really just thought it was a scale thing. It's not.) And I love that in a few more days I can have a few fun foods.

I'm praying I can get out of work by 4 p.m. today so I can go running. It's gorgeous... cold, but not windy and it's sunny. I have been having runner's envy for days & days--you know, when you see a runner on the road & you wish with your whole heart that was you out there. Yeah, I saw 3 people this morning running and I about hopped out of my car & ran in my high heals. I just can't contain myself anymore.

I have been a very bad blogging friend because I've had no time to visit with any of you. I'm thinking of you, though, and hope that your health journey is gearing up in a very positive way, as the weather starts to turn toward Spring. Oh, it cannot get here soon enough!

So the food...

...is going well. There is something powerful in eliminating bad carbs for a week. I'm basically not hungry and not craving anything. I'M EATING, don't get me wrong. It's not like I've picked up an eating disorder the past few days. But getting the crap out of my body & brain and eating protein & veggies & fat can cause remarkable change in a short period of time.

The trick, of course, is making the change stick.

If you recall from my last journey on the Crack diet, week 1 is the strictest week. Under 20 carbs a day for 7 days. I'm on day 3. I weighed 152.6 this morning. And my waist is already 2 1/2 inches smaller. It blows my mind how water weight impacts the body so much. The first couple of days can be tough, but strangely after the first day I've felt OK and really haven't lost that much energy.

The 2nd week starts carb cycling. As much as the low carb week feels good for a while, you really do get excited about that first morning when you can eat oatmeal or have Ezekial bread.

The exercise.... not so much. I miss running so badly. But it's been one thing after another this week and I haven't fit it in. Ah well. I know eventually I'll get time again for me. At the very least I'll do some 30 Day Shred this weekend.

I'm swamped at work, haven't been to the grocery store in 2 weeks, and have laundry & dishes piled to the ceiling. Why I thought it would be OK for me to go to sleep last night at 9 p.m. is beyond me.

But today is another day. I'm off to the grocery & then home to snuggle on kiddos (and eventually the hubs).

Kick some ass this weekend, bloggy friends!

A little better

First, I want to thank MizFit for posting my guest blog today. I wrote it about 3 months ago and wouldn't you know it? I'm still pretty much in the same state of mind--fighting to find time & energy to get my winter fat layer off but often losing the battle.

As with all of The Miz's posts, there's lots of engaging conversation going on in the comments. And it seems clear that some folks can do this healthy lifestyle thing with ease (or, at least, the majority of their choices are healthy ones & it's not a massive struggle to make those choices--that's the way it looks like on *this* side of the fence anyway :).

Others of us (ME! ME!) aren't quite to effortless, but we're fighting the good fight and not giving up.

So where am I today on this crazy roller coaster?

Yesterday was much better. I stayed on track with the Crack the Fat Loss Code diet. I already feel the bonds of carbs & sugar loosening their hold. Today has started off well, food wise. I'm still not craving junk & the scale is playing along already (water weight loss is water weight loss, but it's still motivating to see lower numbers on the scale right off the bat).

Exercise has been The Suck, though. No time for myself since Sophie's at the office with me during my normal running time, and Mark has classes on Mon, Tues & Wed nights so I can't run after I pick up kids either. I am so not a morning runner, so that's out. Last night I could have done the 30 day shred but frankly I was so fried from my day long sprint at work I just didn't have it in me.

But. One step at a time. I'm happy I'm getting the carbwants out of my system. Exercise will come again soon, most hopefully tonight. And it won't be soon enough.

***
ETA: Sophie made it to school. I took her in at 10 a.m. & she didn't feel dizzy during the long walk to her class, which is a very good sign that we might be done with this round.

Can't get a break

Last night I'd had enough. Again.

I've been on this roller coaster of "motivation" (truly, I hate that word because I don't really believe in it--you either do, or do not, and that's that, but I'm using it here as a short hand for "I can't get my shit together"). And I've been doing better workout wise (last week I ran 4 days & did the 30 Day Shred once) but my food has still been in the toilet.

I think the food issue is because--I can't do moderate when it comes to food. My brain LOVES carbs. When I'm eating carbs, just like most people who struggle with weight, I want more carbs. And more carbs. And more carbs. Until I've gained 10-12 pounds in about 4 months.

So yesterday I decided, made up my mind, drew up the plan, to do the Crack the Fat Loss Code again. It works for me. It allows for healthy carbs & promotes whole foods. It allows for "cheat days" on occasion--because real life includes cheat days. And I got to my thinnest ever last October (146.2.... ah, I remember you well) on this diet. Yesterday I committed myself, again, to getting it done & was bound & determined that this. was. it.

Then, unfortunately, I got slammed down this morning. Sophie woke up early with a raging dizzy spell. She's been dizzy since last week, but not bad; she's made it to school every day. This morning was the super awful kind--can't move, can't tolerate light, cries & cries because the spinning in her head is so bad. I hate it when she's like this. I feel so helpless. I can't do anything for her. She missed her class field trip to see James & the Giant Peach today. I ache for all she's missing out on.

My food & exercise are not my priority today. Sophie is. I haven't face dived into a vat of carbs yet, mainly because I'm just sick of them. I did have a carby breakfast, but I'm done with that food today. I've got a healthy low carb lunch & I'll have a decent dinner. Perhaps tomorrow I'll be able to focus on me & my goals.

Today is another story.

Sophie's dizzy spells have gotten worse the past 6 months. She's had a spell every single month since October. Next week I have conference with her pediatrician, which I'd intended to primarily focus on her possibly having attention deficit disorder (not hyperactivity, the attention & focus problem of ADD). And we'll talk about that. But I'm going to ask him to refer us to Vanderbilt. I've had it with this disorder & the lack of answers from the tests we've done over the past 3 1/2 years . My daughter deserves more than a life like this. I just pray God opens the doors we need opened so we can find a cure.

Freakishly Flexible 5K-- For Nancy

Wanna join me in a 5k this weekend?

Nancy has been one of the most inspirational blogger's I know. She's upbeat, shares the running love to the point of putting in hours and hours of her time with many virtual races, and is all around a super cool chick.

So reading her post today about the official diagnosis of her hip problem choked me up. Running means more to me than I can fully express. It does to her too. I know she's mourning the loss. I know she's in shock. I would be. It's a majorly "life's not fair" kind of deal.

But I know she'll find her way back, through another sport that complements her body, because she is who she is.

Another blogger created the virtual Freakishly Flexible 5K race in Nancy's honor. If you go to his website you'll see that you don't have to be a runner to join in.

I'm running a 5k this weekend for Nancy. And thanking God every step of the way for my 38 year old body that can run, and praying that Nancy has a successful surgery & heals well, and then comes back & kicks some ass.

Old School

So I've gone back to writing down in a journal everything I put in my mouth and the corresponding calories, just like in the good old days. And thankfully for the past two days, it's worked.

I'm shooting for 1800 calories a day and have actually been under that--Monday it was 1510 & Tuesday, 1390. I ran 4 miles Monday & did the 30 Day Shred video Tuesday.

I've lost 2.4 pounds so far. Boy, does that feel good.

Just like every other time I've gone from mindless, emotional eating to controlled, planned eating--I feel free & at peace. There is so much freedom in doing what's good for you, it makes my head spin to wonder why in the world I stray in the first place.

Yet I'm not taking any of this for granted. I still feel fragile & a day at a time is what I'm focusing on.

Spring teasing us this week is making a big difference in how I feel. It was mid February of 2007 when I joined LA Weight Loss. And it's mid February now. Something about leading up to a season of renewal that helps kick start my determination.

Next up: half marathon training for my May 2 race in Indy. I want to weigh 145 by then.

Because it is damn hard to run at 158 pounds. I found that out on Monday. Shedding those extra pounds so I can run faster & easier is extremely motivating.

How are you holding up? What's kicking your motivation up a notch?

Monday

The weekend was more of the same from Friday's post, but today was MONDAY. A day for new beginnings, right?

I've written down all my food so far & am counting calories. I'm getting ready to change my clothes & go running in (wait for it) 70 degree weather. It could not be a more different start to this week than two weeks ago.

I'll post more when I have more time.

I do want to thank you all for your comments. Holy cow, what amazing friends you all are. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

A Lesson from Cool Hand Luke

I've seen a lot of Guy Movies over the past 15 years that I've known my husband. The Outlaw Josey Wales, The Maltese Falcon, & Cool Hand Luke are a few of my favorites.

This morning as I was walking in to work, a line from Cool Hand Luke flickered through my memory. "You've got to get your mind right," the Boss says to Luke as Luke's digging his own grave in the prison yard.

While I've not committed any crimes & I don't have an SOB prison guard standing over me, I feel like I'm in a prison of my own making right now. And I need to get my mind right or I'm going to be shoveling my way out of my own deep hole, very soon.

Before I joined LA Weight Loss in February 2007, I was always playing the mind game of "I'll eat this box of donuts now, but tomorrow I will definitely stop! I'm just going to eat this now to get through the _____________(insert the mood of the moment--boredom, anger, sadness, happiness, stress, busyness, overwhelmedness, depression, rain, sunshine, winter blahs, blah blah blah). Tomorrow I will, I WILL, start to eat right & won't do this anymore."

For a good solid year, I didn't play this game. And really, I guess it's been almost two years since it's now February of 2009.

But I guess two years is my Statute of Limitations on the Give Up the Bullshit Thinking issue.

Because it's back. In full force. And I'm smack dab back in the self-imposed prison of denial & misery.

I haven't bought a box of powdered donuts yet--they were a huge problem for me & I simply loved everything about the little bastards (except for how fat they helped make me). But I've been looking longingly at them while grocery shopping, and last night I even picked up a bag and considered putting it in my cart.

Instead I bought a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish food, hid it in the back of the freezer when I got home, and ate it in secret while the kids played with the hubs. I then hid the empty container at the bottom of the trash can.

I even ate some cookie dough in the bathroom the other day, hiding from the kids so they wouldn't want any.

This is some seriously f*cked up behavior. And I can't believe I'm living it again.

I know it's hard--unbearably hard--to change life long coping mechanisms. It's practically heroic to establish new coping mechanisms that won't slip away and be replaced by the old ones. I used to feel like a hero, and felt like I'd mostly replaced my food issues with running & strength training.

But since the exercise & the endorphins it provides has been virtually non-existent the past couple of weeks, the bad old coping strategies are back.

And I hate them. I hate everything about the after. The before & during, I'm pretty much back to being a zombie & in robot mode. Not in control--like the foods are putting themselves in my hands and I have no choice but to accept them.

Ultimately, I think this is about control. I have completely lost control over so many things in my life right now. And the way I'm dealing with the lack of control is to say "F*ck it, I don't care about my weight, my body, my health. All I want is to feel better NOW. NOW is all that matters. Later will have to wait because I can't deal with later. Food makes me feel better now. So I will eat what I need now, because I can. To hell with the consequences."

Obviously, I've gotta get my mind right. I know this. I know that living like this is the path to weighing 200 pounds again. I know that living in denial is going to only get me tighter clothes & more unhappiness. I know that, in the end, this destructive behavior leads me to hate myself. Not just because of the fat, but because of the shame of the addiction.

Getting my mind right is what I'm working on right now. I'm not feeling all that strong, though, so I'm simply taking things a moment at a time. And praying like crazy for strength, purpose, and a desire to remember that my actions, whether good or bad, have consequences.

I don't want to stay in these chains any longer. I'll get my mind right, and then I'll be set free.

Roller Coaster

Yesterday was not a good day. I didn't have time to blog about it, but Sophie woke up with a stomach ache & then threw up before getting on the school bus. I was thankful she got sick at home instead of school, at least. She came into the office with me & was an angel, and luckily she didn't throw up again. She did have/still does have diarrhea now, but it's not horrible and I'm guessing she's almost done with this virus.

Work is crazy, since we are doing annual reviews with clients. So I'm not getting to have my blogging time like normal. That always kinda bums me out a bit.

After work, we had to go to Walmart to buy bread & other essentials and the kids were very well behaved. But after we got to the car & had everything unloaded, Sophie's diarrhea kicked in and we had to go back inside. It was around 10 degrees last night, so we were cold cold cold. And we were in the Walmart bathroom for a good 20 minutes (poor Soph!). We still had to pick up Mark's dry cleaning & didn't get home until after 7 p.m.

It was a frozen pizza night, obviously! We had dinner around 7:30, and I was just fried by then. Didn't clean the kitchen, didn't give kids baths, didn't workout. Basically I pretty much just gave up.

Which is usually when my food goes to hell too.

So today, I'm feeling down again. Sophie was still sick this morning & is with me again at work. She should make it to school tomorrow. It's still really cold but tomorrow it's supposed to be warmer & as God is my witness, I'm going running. Tonight if life doesn't blow up in my face, I'll do the Shred DVD again. I'm still sore from my first time through, which is a good sign. Those 20 minutes were very effective--I think it's going to be an awesome muscle building routine.

I'm pretty much in just-get-by mode. I'm hopeful for the future, but getting tired of living there instead of in the here & now.

Better

Quick update today because we're swamped at work.

Today's weight was 154.6. The past 2 days have been decent, food wise. And I did the 30 Day Shred video last night! I really liked it--a tough workout in 20 minutes.

It's supposed to be in the 60s by the weekend. I am so looking forward to running again.

*******BIGGEST LOSER SPOILER BELOW*******
(sorry this wasn't here earlier, Vickie!)



TBL fans--were you happy to see Joelle go? I have really mixed feelings about her. I'll have to write more on that when I have some time.

Holy crap

Well, an ice storm is about as bad as the holiday's for weight gain.

I hadn't weighed in a week, still haven't run since a week ago last Friday (that's a whopping 10 days now), and I've been eating like a 10 year old boy on summer vacation.

I finally bit the bullet this morning, the first weekday we've been back in our house, and got on the scale. It was ugly.

157.8

I have some serious ass kicking to do on myself. Which is tough when I still feel pretty wrung out emotionally, & physically still feel rough from the cold that will not die.

But I'm not burying my head in the sand & not letting this get worse. I've scaled back the food today big time, and am having hot tea with honey while I finish some work tonight. I'm likely going to have to white knuckle through the night time eating cravings later. Whatever. I want to see some water weight lost in the morning.

Hopefully I will get to do some kind of physical activity soon. The park where I usually run is blocked off because of trees down, I guess, and the sidewalks--everywhere--are still covered in ice & snow. So if I want to run it will have to be on the street, and I'm not overly fond of taking my life into my own hands like that. If I have to dodge a car and run off the road, I could slip & fall on the ice. It may be a while until I get on the pavement again.

I've got the Jillian Michael's DVD that I need to do. Was going to try tonight but I've got a monster headache & my sinuses are hurting, so (yada yada yada excuse excuse excuse), no workout today.

Life is my workout right now. Soon enough it will be spring.

Even though the Groundhog saw his shadow today, warmer weather is only 6 weeks away.

It's Back!

Power came on last night around 8 p.m. We stayed at our friends' house because we were already settled in and wanted to let the house warm up. Came home this morning & all is well.

I'll be posting more. Lots to do with kiddos & gotta go get the dog.