Day 132 - 168.6 - Okay I can stop now

So I was officially noticed by young men in a pickup truck today. I guess I can stop losing weight now.

I was walking back to my car after lunch with Hubby, in my new black skort (size 10) and black & white small-plaid top (which is a Large and used to be super tight on me--I actually used to wear it with a white shell underneath because it wouldn't button... now I can pinch 2 extra inches of fabric on either side of my waist, but it looks cute still and there are no fat rolls visible in this top).

My legs are looking pretty good thanks to running and the daily self-tanning lotion from Jergens I use now. I was glancing through a new book I picked up at Border's after lunch while walking to the car, and I hear "HEY!" I looked up, and saw the "HEY" was for me. "HEY" and a big wave from a young male hanging out the window of a pick up, with another young male in the middle seat straining his neck to see me.

I smiled a bemused smile and pushed the button to unlock my car. I got in and thought, Huh. That hasn't happened since, oh, almost never.

It cracks me up that the Male Species reacts the way they do to an Unknown Female they find attractive. What do they think this "HEY" and wave and craning neck will get them?

I really could care less. They made my day.

Day 131 - 169.2 / Fartlek Run / Body Image

The scale is slowly inching down this week, but at least it's the right direction.

I ran 1.5 miles tonight in about 16:30. It was my speed-play run, and dang it was tough. The fastest was 6.2 mph for I think a tenth of a mile, and then I just upped and downed my speed every tenth of a mile or so. It was mentally difficult to keep changing the pace, which surprised me. I guess I like zoning out and just moving steadily along. My full workout was 45 minutes, 3.41 miles, a little over 400 calories.

Tomorrow starts Week 2, a normal 1.5 mile run.

So today I wore a really cute beige fitted light sweater with a brown skirt. The skirt is the most forgiving jersey fabric and hangs perfectly. The top is fitted too, and even though it looks good on me, I can still see some belly roll if the fabric isn't placed perfectly on my hips.

Fabric doesn't stayed glued down in one place when one is going about daily life.

And hence my screwed up thoughts today about how I look. Gosh, I really need to get more weight off. Look how thick my waist is and oh man is that a muffin top? Why are my boobs still so big? Oh and my ankles are swelling and not so thin this afternoon.

What the ? I look great -- compared to where I was 36 pounds ago. I have the clothing labels to prove it!

The Fat Head is already attacking my self esteem. And I don't like it. Not one bit.

Now, I know that there are clothes that will make me look better and clothes that will make me look fatter. That's not what's going on here.

Vickie has talked a lot about body image and I'm going to read more of her past experiences to get some perspective. Because this (fat head) aggression will not stand, man.

Do you have a Medium in that?

One of the nice things about shopping for clothes at the same store on a regular basis is that I know the size is consistent. That is, I know that if I'm now a size 10 at Dress Barn, that I am 4 sizes smaller than I was when I was at my heaviest.

I was a size 10 when I weighed 145 pounds at age 23, so sizes have changed. I've read this, I know this, but it's a reality for me now that I see size 10 on my clothing tags and I'm still 25 pounds heavier than I was 14 years ago.

But, hell. It's a 10. Wow.

Yesterday at Dress Barn, I tried on all Medium tops. Every one of them fit. I am a size M on top. No back fat, no belly roll, no muffin top. The Girls need a little better bra to look their best, so that's on plan for this week. But all in all, I was so pleased with my reflection in the mirror in the changing room.

Today I went to J. Jill at the mall to get some skirts to match those tops. Since they were having a sale, I got 2 mediums, a size 12, and a small. If I could wear the tags on the outside of my clothes, I would.

What's so cool is, that I shopped in J. Jill. I walked by Lane Bryant, and walked into a skinny girl's store. And bought skinny girl skirts. And they fit and look good.

And now I have to stop, because I have a lovely summer wardrobe that fits and I am comfortable in, and I am not made of money (even at sale prices, this stuff adds up). So this will be the last post on clothing for the season. I promise.

Day 129 - 169.4 / My Fast Run

I ran a mile yesterday in 10:20. ONE MILE IN TEN MINUTES AND TWENTY SECONDS.

I amaze myself sometimes.

Warm up walk for .25 miles, then I just hit it hard at 5.8 mph. The first 1/4 mile was no big deal. Then the next 1/4 was tough. I did my usual psych out of "just go one more tenth and you can slow down." At .75 miles I thought I was going to die. But by God, I told myself, you can run for 2 more minutes, what's 2 more minutes of your life? You can do this, you are already doing this (I stole that line from The Buenos Aires Broken Hearts Club).

And I did it. I was the Monica Selas of the treadmill, I was huffing and puffing so loudly. This pace is clearly FAST for me. But I didn't have a heart attack or anything and I imagine the next time will be "easier."

My next run is a fartlek run, which I already do occasionally and really enjoy. That run will be on Thursday.

BTW, I'm following an 8-week 5K training program from About.com. WS, I checked out the smartcoach on Runners World (thanks for the suggestion!), and it is awesome but a bit advanced for me right now. I really just want to run 3.1 miles without walking. According to this plan, that should happen in 5 weeks. At week 7, I'll run 4 miles, which seems unbelievable to me, but so did running a mile in just over 10 minutes just a few months ago.

I'm learning that anything is possible if I just get my ass out there and do it.


Tonight is Cardio Kick Boxing. And yes, my gym rocks and the best part about it is their Kid's Club--it's fabulous and Sophie and Luke like it there. Happy kids = less guilt for Mom who loves her workouts but hates putting kids in daycare after work.

Day 128 - Back to 169.8 / Sundays

Sundays are becoming one of my favorite days of the week. Because there are two classes at the gym that I love, and I get to take them back to back.

The first is called C3-- it's cardio, core, calisthenics. We use the step, the Reebok core board, hand weights, jump rope, and the track. I've taken the class from 3 different instructors and each one has kicked my ass. I couldn't have done this class 3 months ago. As it is, I'm still the slowest one around the track when we do sprints. But, by golly, I'm there and I don't wimp out half way through and I finish that class strong.

The second is Pilates. Depending on the instructor, this is a tough class or an easy stretch and and strengthen class. Yesterday it was tough. And I was tired after C3. So some of the moves I just couldn't do or hold, but I did what I could and stuck it out.

2 hours in the gym really does it for me, relaxation wise. It's unbelievable how GOOD I feel afterwards. I've done something just for me, all by myself, and it's fanfreakingtastic.

And that feeling--which has nothing to do with food or weight loss--is what keeps me coming back to the gym every day.

Today--3rd run in my 5K training. It's "one mile fast," but I'm not sure what fast, for me, is yet. I'll find out today.

Day 127 - 170.0 PMS

Our entire household has PMS. I swear. My husband has been a complete jerk all day, even though he's gotten to nap through most of it; our son has had 4 diarrhea diapers (although he is still the happiest person I know, even when he doesn't feel good); and our daughter, who had 2 birthday parties today, was acting more like a 13 year old tonight during and after her bath, rolling her eyes at me and talking back.

I really, really want chocolate.

I've been strong so far, counting on my LA Lite chocolate crunch bar to satisfy that craving, and it has. I was at the gym for 2 hours, doing a cardio class and then pilates, so I got the endorphins flowing. It's almost bed time for Sophie, and I'll be starting a new chick lit book after she goes down. Maybe I can get some peace then.

It's been over two weeks since I completely stopped taking Lexapro. I had weaned down over 6 weeks and really didn't notice a difference, mood wise. Now, though, I can tell it's completely out of my system. The brain shivers have stopped (that took over a week to go away), which confirms for me it's all gone from my body and which makes sense, because this is the worst PMS I've had in years.

I suppose I need to break out the meditation CDs I bought a few weeks ago. Or go eat a Hershey bar. My thinner body would opt for meditation. I hope my brain plays along.

Day 126 - 170.8

Up a pound from a few days ago-- perhaps because of TTOM on the verge of starting, and perhaps because I've had PMS food attacks. They've not been terrible, but even an extra 400 calories a couple days in a row can impact the scale. Ah well. It will go down.

Had a great workout today. I was determined to hit 400 calories on the treadmill, then after I did that, decided what's 12 more minutes? So I went a full hour. I walked the last 10 minutes slowly, at 3.5 mph, taking long strides. My behind really felt it.

Then I did 5 pushups (drum roll please) on my TOES. I had tried one at home the other night, and squeked out 2. I was feeling so great after my hour of cardio, I got out a mat in the free weights area, did 5 minutes of abs then flipped over, got into plank and did 5 strong pushups. Then did 10 more on my knees. Then went into plank on my elbows and held it for about a minute, just to show off. =)

Facelift for my blog

Okay so it's apparently as much fun redecorating my blog as it is to move furniture around in my house. At least when I do my blog, my husband doesn't complain that his chair's not where he likes it.

Hope you enjoy.

5K Race in 2007

One of my non-weight loss goals is to run a 5K in 2007. Um, it's almost July and I've not even thought about a race. I'm not in training or nothin'.

I've been reading about other runners here and here. Such inspiration! I've got to get myself out there baby! I am a runner, and I need to put my feet where my mouth is.

So, here it is. My pledge to run a 5K in 2007. This is a HUGE race in our city, as I'm sure it is in most cities now. Praise God I'll be wearing a white T-Shirt and not a Pink One, but you just never know what fate your body has in store. I'm running it, folks. Now I gotta go get me a training plan.

Somebody pass me the Advil and a bottle of water.

September 16, 2007
Komen Evansville Race for the Cure
5K Run/Walk -- 9:30 am
1 Mile Family Fun Run/Walk -- 9:45 am
Starts at Eastland Mall, 800 N. Greenriver Road,
Evansville, Indiana
http://www.komenevansville.org/

Day 124 - 169.8 - Another new decade & Unbelievable Undies

God I love it when a new number pops up in second place on the scale. So it's only .2 pounds away from 170 and if I'd not peed an extra long time this morning I may have missed it, but whatever. It's mine. I OWN that 6. Yee Haa.

Last week before our conference in French Lick, I bought a pair of (My) Assets Unbelievable Underwear at Target (apparently, there's no more MY in the name and I'm behind the times). I'd been putting off buying these for ages. I have a white girdle thingy I've owned for probably 15 years that works okay, but it does cut across my thighs and you can see that cut line sometimes depending on the clothes. And the reviews I'd read on Target's website weren't all that great, with complaints about the waistband and quality.

I wear (My) Assets Fabulous Footless pantyhose WITH EVERYTHING. Seriously, unless I'm in shorts, my workout clothes, or PJ's, I'm wearing these. My saddlebags just do not go with the fashions these days.

So I love this line of lingerie. I praise Target, Sara Blakely, The Goddess of Discount Fashion, whoever is responsible for making Spanx affordable. If I had one, I'd name my third child Sara Blakely N. Thankfully, I'm all snipped up so that's not going to happen. But still, that's how much I love what this woman created.

Back to the purchase of Unbelievable Underwear. I needed something for the little black dress I wore at dinner last week. I didn't want to spend $50 on a new girdle thingy, so I thought I'd throw down $15 at Target and see how bad these really are.

OMG. They are unbelievable, just like the name says! I don't know how it's possible, but there is no cut line across my thigh. I've had no quality issues, no waistband unraveling, and I wore them last Thursday and every day this week. (And, hello? Wash them in the sink and no unraveling problem. This is basic lingerie maintenance, people.)

They actually are better than the Footless, because the band on the Footless that usu. hits me under my knee/high on my calf is tighter than the bottom of this thigh-long pantie. Plus I'd wear the Footless under knee length skirts and had to hike up the band above my knee, and that was not comfortable.

And here's another bonus. The waist band is cut low, so it's not creating a massive muffin top like my girdle that supposed to help squeeze in my belly fat. What idiot designed these things that are supposed to squeeze in belly fat?! All they do is scrunch down and create another lovely roll, of which I have enough already, thank you very much.

I'll be buying more Unbelievable Underwear. I'm in a size 3 now. When I hit my goal weight, I'll be in a size 2 (yes, I am that much of a geek that I am dreaming of where I'll land on the hosiery charts). Apparently even little tiny people have saddlebags, because size 1 fits 5'5'' at 105 pounds. It's nice to know tiny little people need to squeeze in their fat, too.

Day 123 - official weight 172 - 35.2 pounds lost

So I wore my lighter than a feather silk skirt and a lacy tank top today, on purpose so my clothes wouldn't weigh down my weigh in. And VIOLA!

172 officially on the LA WL scale.

35.2 pounds off my 5'5'' body in 123 days.

My 19 month old son weighs 29.2 pounds (I know this because he likes to stand on my scale when I get ready for work in the morning).

I have lost more than my son weighs.

My 6 year old daughter weighs about 50 pounds.

By the time I reach goal, I'll have lost what she weighs plus 12 pounds. I'll have lost a 6 year old and a 6 month old, off my body.

This, simply amazes me. Okay, so I've not lost Half of Me like Pasta Queen and I'm not climbing mountains like Diet Girl. But I am doing it. And it's not been a small task. 35.2 pounds is a lot of fat. As they used to say in my Weight Watchers days, that's 140 sticks of butter. Ewwww.

It has taken me 12 years to get to the point that I am ready to strip the fat from my body and my head. I understand it's gonna take longer to lose the Fat Head thinking. That the Body will lose and the Head will follow; that is, the head will follow if weight loss maintenance is expected.

I wish there were a scale to weigh my head and tell me how much fat I still have to lose there.

Day 122 update below

For some reason, the post below wasn't showing up. So, now it is.

Day 122 - 170.6 Justification for Mommy's Workouts

Last night I took an awesome cardio class at the gym, from a new instructor. She was kickin' ass and taking names, but it was great. I kept up pretty well and actually did great with the triceps dips. I'm starting to notice some nice definition in my legs and arms.

I don't think I'd be this far in my weight loss (34 pounds!) if it weren't for exercise. I've tracked my activities in excel, and since March 26, 2007, I have been in the gym a minimum of 4 times (only ONE week was it 3 times).

The past 3 weeks I've been to the gym 6 days each week, with 4 or 5 days of cardio and the other day or two doing yoga or pilates.

This gym thing-- it's become a habit. In fact, it's now a necessity to my sanity.

My kids do well in their Kid's Center, or else I couldn't go. I've learned that I just can't count on my husband to keep them. Work is too unpredictable, and he likes to take a 4:30 yoga class that lasts 90 minutes on the days he doesn't have to work late. Regardless of what the feminists would say or what I think about it, the child care-taking falls to me, and that's that.

But it's been hard for me to justify putting my kiddos in day care for yet another hour of the day, since I'm away from them all day anyway. For years, I haven't. For years, it was my excuse not to work out... I can't leave my babies with someone after 5 p.m.! What kind of horrible excuse for a mother would I be!

Well, you know what? I am SUCH a better mom to my kids when I've gotten my workout in. I feel calmer, more centered, more relaxed, more patient with them and myself. That extra hour of day care pays them back in spades, because mommy is nicer when she is with them.

Working out also makes me not want to eat my way through the evening. I've had occasional challenges, but for the most part, my night eating is gone. And it's because I'm so freaking tired and my body is so worn out, I don't want to fill it with food.

Tonight I'm going to try a Kickin' Cardio class, which is aerobic kick boxing. I haven't taken this class yet, choosing to run on the treadmill on Tuesday nights, but the fitness center is way too hot right now and the aerobics studio is air conditioned, so I'm taking a lot of classes right now.

I have a feeling my quads are going to be screaming tomorrow, but at least they will look good.

Tag - You're It

Grumpy Chair (a.ka. Alicia) , who I simply adore and would totally tag her BACK, tagged me, so here are the rules:
1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.

2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.

Here are my picks. At this stage of the Game, some (all?) may have been chosen already. I don't care. I love them and live to read them daily.

Baby Steps V
Jack Sprat
Angry Fat Girls
Diet Girl
Pasta Queen

There are many more that I read for inspiration and to follow how they are doing in their lives --Jen, Anne, Daisy K, Lori-- from the "original" AFG gang. I love them all and wouldn't be here if it weren't for them. They've all been tagged in this game before, and I don't expect them to play again.


I also love reading Deb's blog-- she's who got me started on C25K last summer.

A few new ones (new to me, not the blogging world) I've found that I really like: I Am That Girl Now, Fat Bloke Thin (he has T-shirts--gosh I love that), and Body of Work.

I guess I didn't play the game the "right" way, because these are all part of my Top 5. I just have more than 5.

Day 119 - 171 - Hotel Behaviors

In the past, the Old Laura would have been excited about an overnight trip to a nice hotel because of room service. I adore room service--the heaviness of the tray, the silverware polished brightly, the tiny jam jars, and the food, of course. Even if I don't have time to order room service on a quick trip, I still look at the room service menu as one of my first orders of business in my home away from home.

This trip to French Lick was a revelation of the New Laura. New Laura looked at the fitness center to make sure it had decent treadmills. New Laura worked out at 9 p.m. (10 p.m. local time!) and did 30 minutes of running/walking on a super duper fancy treadmill. New Laura didn't order room service (although, I did look at the menu as I was looking through the hotel book--old habits and all).

New Laura enjoyed dinner with strangers (and my husband) at the conference dinner in a cute little black dress and felt comfortable in my skin, not unworthy and embarrassed by every bite I put in my mouth. New Laura took one bite of the chocolate bread pudding, and pushed it aside. New Laura stayed on plan during a mini break. No excuses, no "I'm on a holiday so I'll treat myself."

It felt amazing.

I'm rewarded by the All Mighty Scale, who shows me at 171 today. 1.2 pounds away from a new decade and ever closer to my goal.

Day 117 - 173.4

Back down 1.2 pounds from the big salt bloat yesterday. I tend to go up mid cycle for a while, then drop back down several pounds at TTOM. I hope that's going to hold true this month, too.

Today, DH and I are going to a seminar for work in a town about 90 minutes away called French Lick. They restored a hotel that hasn't been open since 1932, called West Baden Springs. Way back then, it had the largest open air dome in the world. We saw it about 12 years ago, right after they'd restored the dome inside but hadn't redone any of the hotel rooms. They just finished it this spring, and I am excited we get to stay one night for FREE!

It's only one night and tomorrow we have the seminar, but at least I'll get to see it and be there. It's $300+ a night, so we won't be going back any time soon on our own dime.

My mom is keeping the kids-- it's just me and hubby. I don't know what the food will be like, but I'm sure there will be a protein and veggies so I'll be okay. I've got my eyes on the prize and am just not tempted right now by desserts, so no big deal there. Really, my LA Lites provide just the right amount of allowed sweets every day, so I don't feel deprived.

Yesterday I ran/walked for 40 minutes and did 30 minutes of a pilates class (had to leave 30 minutes early b/c it was 7 p.m. and I needed to get the kids home to bed). It felt great, just the right amount of exercise.

I may not be back to post until the weekend. Not sure if I'll have access to my laptop at the hotel. Not sure I want to!

Day 116 - 174.6

So, a 2 pound gain since Monday. Do ya think eating out yesterday at lunch could cause a 2 pound water weight gain? I'm thinking yes. All I had was the broccoli (in a butter/teriyaki/garlic sauce--OMG it doesn't get any better than that) and 2 1/2 chicken satay skewers (out of 6, and I was STUFFED) dipped occasionally in a honey/curry sauce. We love eating at Cheeseburger in Paradise, mainly because they have a little "beach" outside where Sophie plays while we eat. And their food is excellent.

I'm also guessing I'm retaining H2O from my mid-month cycle fluctuation and maybe from my workouts Sunday and Monday (which left my legs screaming and are still sore).

Don't ya love how I can rationalize a gain?!

Thanks to the Grumpy Chair Dieter for including me in her list of blogs for Thinking Bloggers and teaching me how to link in my posts (so easy, but I'm SO behind the curve =). I'm noodling on who to include. I've seen a lot of my favorites already included, and want to share the wealth with other newbies like me, so it may take a week or so before I pay it forward. I'm happy to, though--it's awesome to discover new blogs and inspiration.

I have a lot on my mind but no time to get into it. Work and family keep getting in the way of my blogging time, darn it. More later....

GOAL! 174.8 official weight on 6/11/07

My goal was 175. I made it.

ONLY 30 more pounds to go to hit my total weight loss goal.

Day 114 - 172.6 Crying in Pilates Class

Yesterday I spent 2 hours at the gym-- an awesome cardio class and an hour of mat pilates.

And this is SO weird. I cried during pilates. CRIED. I don't know if it's getting off the lexapro, the fact that I was exhausted and was pushing myself so hard, or what. We were doing a bridge on a stability ball, and I suck at doing bridge (where you lay on your back, knees bent, and lift your butt high in the air). With your feet on the ball, it's really tough. But I was working hard and contracting my hamstrings, and all of the sudden I just felt overwhelmed with emotions--and it poured out my eyes and into my ears. Thank God it was dark in the room. I even had to go in the hallway and get myself together.

I could have just cried and cried and cried, I think, but I went back to class to finish. Afterwards I thought about what happened, and truly, I think I just felt so thankful that I could MOVE my body the way I had been that whole hour. That I was exhausted from it, but it was a happy exhaustion. That I am so BLESSED to be healthy and have the opportunity to build my body into the temple that God made it to be. That I am so different now than I was in February or than I was a year ago.

And I want so desperately and with all my soul to hold onto what I've accomplished so far. And I know how difficult that is. How many people fail. How I don't want to be a statistic.

Emotionally, I am so tender. It's fabulous to lose 31 pounds, but it draws a lot of attention which is bizarre when you've been invisible in size 16s for so many years.

This might be bad

I was still full from a fabulous (on plan) lunch with my husband when it was time to work out, so I did the next best thing-- went shopping.

Now, for the past umpteen years my closet has been filled with Avenue, Dress Barn, the occasional piece from Lane Bryant (God help me, I hated shopping there), and sometimes JC Penney.

Our mall got a Dillard's a few months ago, and it's been my go-to place for accessories ever since. DH loves their clothes and shoes, and he got my anniversary present of a Ralph Lauren robe there. (That robe is a Large and he bought it for me when I was still almost 200 pounds; it fits perfectly now. I have the matching night gown in Medium that is the ultimate skinny girl nightie--long, silky, dark blue, very curve hugging, and gorgeous. I can't wear it--yet. But I'm getting closer.)

ANYWAY, I went to Dillard's just to try on some NICE clothes for a change.

Oh. My. God.

What I have been missing, I had no idea.

See, the last time I was thin, I was shopping at Lerner and Express and The Limited. I was 23 and worked at the mall, so what would you expect?

Now that I'm all grows up, me likes me some nice fabric.

And, come to find out, designer clothing is totally into vanity sizing, so I can wear 10's in Michael Kors and some Italian label I've never heard of (it must be nice though-- I got a $132 skirt for $30). The Michael Kors denim skirt is adorable. It wasn't on sale ($79) but it was a size TEN so I had to buy it, of course. I bought a Michael Kors white eyelet top (on sale for $29) in a size 12 because they didn't have a 10, but it fit okay and is cute with the skirt.

I also bought a dressy sweater in a SMALL that fit (it's tight, but it's for FALL) for $10. And a white button down blouse in a SMALL, for $7.50. It's for Fall, too, and it fit but was snug. SMALL and FALL--must be fate.

I splurged and bought a $50 black straight skirt for work in a 10. It barely fits, but I could zip it up and even fasten the eyelet hook. But I can't really sit down in it, not without holding my breath, and that might be a problem, having to stand up every time I need to breathe. The 12 fit perfectly--absofreakingperfectly--and I don't want it to fit well. I wanted it small, because my butt is going to fit in that baby in another 10 pounds. And that skirt wasn't a designer--just some career label that Dillard's carries.

Shopping and skinny just naturally go together. However, unlike starlets and hotel heiresses, I do not have unlimited supplies of money. So I may have a problem.

It is a problem I'm willing to live with.

Day 111 - 172.6 - Now that's what I'm talking about

This is the lowest weight I've been in 12 years.

I'm wearing a size M shirt today.

My size 16 skirt from Casual Corner doesn't hug my hips at all, just hangs straight as a straight skirt should (really, it's too big, but looks okay with my shirt over it, and I'm determined to wear it as long as I can since it has hung in my closet unworn for years and years).

I have been in the gym every single day this week. One day was for a meditation class and I got to eat chocolate, but I was in my workout clothes and at the gym. It's a habit now.

My kids and husband are healthy.

It's summer, and we've had lovely weather for weeks and weeks.

I got my engagement ring re-done-- my solitaire reset into a white gold band so now I am wearing my diamond again. It's a size 7 1/2. I haven't worn a proper wedding band set for almost 10 years, because my fingers were so big. I finally felt like my fingers were small enough to warrant spending $300 on a new setting. It's beautiful.

I can run 6.0 mph for 2 minutes. I can run 5.5 mph for 5 minutes. I can run 5.0 mph for 28 minutes.

I warm up at 4.0 mph at .5 incline.

My collarbones are visible. My "boob fat" doesn't spill over to the outside of my bras anymore.

I look halfway decent in my workout clothes.

I wear my workout clothes almost every day.

I want to workout every day.

My skin is clearer. My cravings are almost all gone. I enjoy eating fruits and veggies.

My husband gives me the raised eyebrow look when I'm getting ready in the morning in my undies.

I wear cute undies (a blue bra! pink panties!).

It's a small little life I live, but it's mine. And, Life. Is. Good.

Freedom in my Food Plan

I feel like rambling, so here goes:

So one of the things I've noticed about being on a food plan is that it frees me from making stupid choices in the grocery store and/or Target.

Before my plan, it was like I couldn't STOP myself from buying poptarts or powdered donuts (those were my poison of choice for months). I'd tell myself NO YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS and like a robot I'd put them in my cart anyway, buy them, and eat them in the car before I got home, be covered in powdered sugar I'd try to brush off my clothes, and then hide the empty packages at the bottom of the trashcan in the garage before I went in the house.

Seriously, there was nothing I could do to stop myself. The urge was so powerful, so controlling, I had no control.

Yesterday in Target I was in the powdered sugar donut aisle getting graham cracker sticks for the kids, and I looked those donuts square in the face and felt nothing. No pull, no urge, just "huh, look, there's the donuts."

There is freedom in a plan. I am free to ignore that crap on the shelves. I am free to pass up the cinnamon scone on the counter by the microwave at work (although I have been looking at it longingly--I have a thing for cinnamon), choosing instead to nuke my asparagus and cut up my apple for my afternoon snack. I am free because it's just not an option any more. I don't have to fight it--there's nothing to fight.

I still have demons--the biggest, my night eating habit when I should be asleep, is still haunting me. I'm not anywhere near perfect. I've got emotional scars that won't heal unless I work on them, but at least I'm not medicating myself with food any more (at least 99% of the time).

I've been on plenty of plans before, and I haven't felt this freedom. So what's different this time? Partly, it's the program-- being accountable to someone 3 times a week is a big motivator for eating on plan. But, hey, I could always lie and not write down what I eat and pretend I've been good, so that's not the ultimate reason.

Ultimately, I think I just decided it's time. It was time for me to cut the bullsh!t and just get this done. And because....

....I'll be 40 in 2 years and 10 months.

....I've got two young kids who I'd like to see grow up and not have them checking me into a nursing home in their early 20s.

....I've got a husband in fabulous shape who, even though he's 8 years older than me looks younger than me when I weighed 200+, and I don't want to get the "what's he doing with the fat wife?" look any more.

And, dammit, I want to look good again. I want to turn heads. I want to feel sexy. I want to be in my 40s but look like I'm still 35. And FEEL like I'm still 35. Or 25, which is truly the last time I felt any of those wonderful things that goes with being THINner. I weighed 145 at age 25. Funny, that's my goal weight now.

Those are my reasons. What are yours?

Day 110 - 173.4

One more pound is gone. Yippee.

I had a mini-breakdown at LA Weight Loss yesterday. I didn't cry or anything, but just needed to talk about how they were going to help me when I (a) hit a plateau and stop losing and (b) get to maintenance.

It's been relatively easy these past 16 weeks to get to where I am now, 31 pounds down. And I say "easy" not as in I haven't worked for it, but "easy" as in the things I've done have gotten me results. So I'm afraid of what happens when it's not so easy.

At this weight, I look better and feel better and have a closet full of clothes that fit and look nice. I can run faster, longer, and can get through a 60 minute cardio class and keep up. It's a nice weight to be at, even if it's not goal weight.

I keep thinking-- could I stop here? What if I don't lose any more weight? Could this be where I'd be happy? I think I could be, for a while. Maybe through the summer, since I have summer clothes that fit.

I also wonder--should I stop here for a while? Just to stabilize? Give my body a chance to catch up?

It doesn't really matter, I suppose, because I'm going to stay on plan and keep exercising, and if the weight keeps coming off, it keeps coming off.

Feeling good about myself DURING weight loss is such foreign territory. I've felt sh!tty about the way I look for so long, I am just struggling to wrap my head around this new more satisfied feeling.

I was happy about my talk with the LAWL counselor and glad I took the time to get things off my chest. Especially when I learned what I'll eat on maintenance, and it is SO MUCH MORE than what I'm eating now. Once I reach goal, there's 6 weeks of stabilization, where we add foods back a week at a time and if I stay within 3 pounds of goal, we keep adding food back. Then 1 year of maintenance where I weigh in with LAWL once a week. And the amount of food I can eat during maintenance is more livable long term than what I'm eating now.

So I feel better about the future. Now I just need to learn to be comfortable living in my present.

Day 109 - 174.4 So much for the meltdown!

So, whatever, 1.6 pounds up from Monday. The scale is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. I haven't changed my program or eating patterns. Probably it's mid cycle gain... I hope.

Last night I did a class at the gym called "Restorative Rest." It was guided meditation and it was freakin' awesome. I've never done anything like it, and I can't wait to do it again (in two weeks). It was all peaceful and energizing and I was kinda asleep but not, and a few times I really saw the images she asked us to imagine. At one point I was almost crying. And I was so moved at the end of it, so emotional and wrung out, and it was fantastic. She even gave us a Lindt dark chocolate truffle to "experience chocolate as it should be experienced."

Yesterday I also bought from Amazon a meditation book and CD that Meg over at www.iamthatgirlnow.blogspot.com uses, and can't wait to try it this weekend. I'd love to add meditation to my healthy lifestyle, and think it's something I'll ease into in the mornings.

Planning on running and weights class tonight, if DH can pick up DD from day camp. He's been studying for the Series 24 exam (securities manager license--it's a b!tch apparently) and has been pretty much absent from our lives the past week or so. The test is tomorrow at noon, and hopefully he'll pass and I can have my husband (a.k.a. the other parent of these two children of mine who truly does make an impact in their lives and mine that I only notice when it's missing) back.

HEM has new songs out on itunes that I can't wait to download. I love that group.

Day 107 - 172.8

Damn, it is just melting off. I was telling DH this morning that I'm a little freaked out that the weight is still coming off so quickly. It's never happened like that before, and I've read so many tales of women losing quickly then gaining it all back quickly. Hell, I've been there myself.

His reply made sense. He said it's the first time- ever - I've ::consistently:: eaten less and moved more.

And he's right. I'm staying on plan, with only a once or twice a week mini-mess up (like Saturday, when I had about 250 calories extra in starchy comfort graham crackers). I'm not eating at night. I worked out 6 of 7 days last week. I'm not on birth control pills, I'm almost off my depression meds, and I'm taking vitamins & EFA's daily.

So, yeah, unless I had a medical condition like a wacky thyroid, I couldn't HELP but lose weight.

This is the beginning of week 16 on LA Weight Loss. 16 weeks of tracking my food every day. 16 weeks of no cake, no ice cream, no pizza, no donuts. 16 weeks of success.

It feels awesome. But it still freaks me out a little.

Day 105 - 174 - 30 pounds lost

Today marks 30 pounds lost (on my scale). I almost didn't believe the number this morning and had to rub my eyes and look twice. 174. The weight is just melting off. Wow.

I was at the gym every day this week. Monday through Friday. I ran 4 out of 5 days. One day I ran 28 minutes straight and did 5K in 36:39, which is the fastest and longest I've gone, running-wise. Another day I had little time and only did 2 miles on the treadmill. The past two days I've done strength classes-- pilates Thursday and Weights Friday (I ran 20 minutes before weights class).

The exercise has got to be making a huge difference. Plus, I just finished my period so I'm lighter on the inside. And my food has been on track with an occasional extra starch, but that's it.

The size 12 pants I bought last Friday at Dress Barn were very loose yesterday. I was a little upset! Which is stupid, but they are brand new. I have a pair in khaki that I'm taking back and getting the--I can't believe this--size 10s. I hope they fit me and the loose navy pair isn't just a fluke. Everything else in 12 still looks okay, so I'm guessing these just run big.

I'm taking today off from exercise. My body is sore... I pushed it at weights class yesterday.

Hoping for sunshine (even though we need the rain badly) and we'll take the kids to the pool today. Other than that, absolutely no plans. Love. It.