Day 41-- 14.4 pounds gone and a size 14

Four seems to be my lucky number today.

It was a good weigh in day. Down 2.2 pounds for the week, a total of 14.4 pounds since starting at LAWL in February. I bought a new Easter dress to celebrate, and it was a size 14. I also bought a pair of crop pants in a 14 and they fit (I'll be wearing My Assets under them so my ass isn't all bumpy, though) and a top in a size Large, NOT XL. Gosh it feels good to move down a size.

Another few weeks and I'll be able to say "I've lost 20 pounds." 20 pounds is when it really starts to show. It's almost like the first 20 don't mean anything to anyone but me, then all of the sudden people start to notice. "Hey, are you losing weight?" "Um, yeah, I have been for like 3 months and you're just now noticing."

Not sure if I'm ready for the attention that it will bring though. I like compliments, don't get me wrong. But something happens around that time in my weight loss (at least in the past) when I've gotten down to a size 12 and I start to really look good, that I start gaining it all back again. It's not going to happen this time (I'm way too invested to blow it this time), but I have to keep in mind my uncomfortable feelings and guard myself from eating my way through them.

Went to lunch today with DH. He couldn't go until Two-ish, but wanted me to go with him so we could chat, so I ate my lunch from home around 12:30. At the restaurant, I just had tea. Didn't even look at the menu. No dessert, no chips, no crackers, no dessert, no coffee with cream. Tea, no sugar, with sweet and low. I didn't even mind not eating. I got to talk and DH ate, which is fine with me.

I am off to the gym to walk/run on the treadmill. A plan-less weekend, which are the best. Hoping for some sunshine in the midst of the rain so we can all play in the park.

13.8 pounds lost

Today's official weigh in was a good one. Down 1.8 pounds, for a total of 13.8 pounds GONE. Yippee!

Day 39 - a new "decade"

I stepped on the scale this morning, knowing I had lost. I could feel it in my fingers. My morning ritual - pee, strip, step on scale. Bingo! A 1.5 pound loss. And a new number in second position. 189.5

I love it when I move down into a new decade.

Did two days of walking on the treadmill do it? Eating all "real food" instead of processed? Drinking a ton of water? The Fat Fairy visiting me and taking the equivalent of 6 sticks of butter off my ass? Likely it's a combination of it all (I still believe in fairies).

So my gym bag is packed and food is ready for a good day. I had a piece of diet toast and an apple for breakfast and was totally satisfied.

Official weigh in at LAWL this afternoon. I hope the Water Retention Fairy doesn't show up in the mean time.

Day 38

I made it to the gym yesterday, but only had 30 minutes, so spent it on the treadmill. It felt great to sweat and move my body. My iPod shuffle (the clip on kind) is so much better than my old CD player. I've packed a gym bag and will go again today.

I avoided the scale this morning on purpose, to help take my mind off the number. Had a healthy breakfast, packed a lunch, have my afternoon snacks and water, so I'm set.

Day 37 - Impatient

Shouldn't I be at my goal weight by now? I mean, it's been over a month that I've been "good." I should weigh what I want by now, as hard as I've worked and as well as I've stuck to my plan.

It's funny how a dieter's mind thinks, playing games with the scale, the calendar, the sizes of clothing. I'm so ready to be my goal weight, especially since the weather is warmer and I want to be wearing flimsy flirty dresses.

But no. I'm still in size 16s (although better fitting 16s). I can't wear what I want. The muffin top is still around my middle. Spanx pantyhose is still a required piece of underclothing.

I've got months and months and months to go.

It's a real downer.

The stick-to-it-iveness is what I've always lacked, not just in weight loss. Many a project in my life gets started with great guns, my intentions pure and inspired. Then my interest wanes and I move on to something else. That's simply who I am. Why try to fight it? Why not work with it?

So I've got to figure out a way to rechannel my energy on this weight loss thing, to keep it going. I've been thinking about focusing on upper body weight lifting for a month, to see how much I can build my muscles in 30 days. Perhaps that will be my focus the next few weeks. I'll maintain my food diary and LAWL visits, but stop weighing myself at home, take the spotlight off the scale for a while.

It will start today, this afternoon after work. I'll report back in the next few days.

Day 32

Still at it. I had my first gain on Monday, and expected it. The weekend food had to have caused me to retain water, and today (after a day and a half of a very strict diet) I'm back down the gain, plus .8 more for a total of 2.4 pounds down today. 11.6 total at LAWL.

The very strict diet is two days of "Take Off" in which I drink 32 oz of LAWL's Take Off juice (spread out over 4 servings), eat 6 oz of protein, 2 veggies, and 2 LA Lite bars.... and that's it. No fruit, no starch, no dairy, no fat, no COFFEE.

It's been somewhat of a revelation to me, this scarcity of food. I've been exhausted, mentally out of it, partly because of the missing caffeine, but also because I can tell my body needs the fuel.

In the past, food as fuel hasn't been the way I think. Food as comfort, secret lover, celebration, healer, and drug is more like it. But somehow since I've gotten off of food as a drug, and since I've had so little of it the past day and a half, now I'm able to feel my body needing the food as fuel.

I cannot wait until I can have fruit tomorrow! And milk with my latte! And a piece of toast (diet bread, of course)! And, get this, I can't wait until I can eat 4 servings of veggies! That is truly shocking--looking forward to eating vegetables.

My sincerest hope is that I will stay on track, not get discouraged by set backs, and be ever vigilent in this pursuit of weight loss. I have a long way to go still-- 50.6 pounds --and I need to keep the faith that it will happen and I can do it.

I'm 11.6 pounds closer to reaching my goal than I was a month ago. That's something, at least.

Day 29

This has been a nice weekend. DH and I went to New Harmony Saturday night for a fabulous dinner at the Red Geranium and a lovely room at the Inn. Our 12 year anniversary is today, March 18.

Saturday I barely ate all day, saving up my food for dinner. I don't do well when I don't eat, so I felt a little headachy by the afternoon, but it was totally worth it, to be able to have a glass of wine, eat an 8 oz. filet, asparagus, 3 bites of roasted potatoes, 3 bites of dessert, and two of the best bacon wrapped shrimp I've ever tasted, and to still be on plan (mostly-- I figure the bacon pushed me over the edge a bit, but it's not gonna kill me). I drank tons of water that night after dinner to wash away the salt, and didn't feel bloated this morning. I had 3 eggs and one piece of whole grain toast with coffee this morning at breakfast; usually I'd have ordered pancakes or waffles and said "what the heck I'm on a minibreak" and totally blown it. Not today. Not on day 29!

Day 29-- almost a full complete month on plan. I'll fill in completely my monthly LAWL journal tomorrow. There are no "OFF PLAN" or "DIDN'T TRACK" days. Wow. And I'm down 12 pounds and five total inches. Those stats make it much easier now to keep up the good work.


Switching gears now. I'm reading Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love," and just finished the "Pray" section, where she spends 4 months in India practicing meditation. Her descriptions of achieving higher levels of consciousness are simply spectacular. I want what she's having. I have no illusions I'll be going to India for 4 months any time in my lifetime, but I think I could find a way to learn to meditate. I found a website http://meditation.org.au/index.asp that has free classes online and looks like a great place for me to start. I was playing Class One audio and imagining a candle flame for almost 5 minutes and feeling really relaxed, just sitting here in the family room in the recliner. I'd have kept going but of course got interrupted by DH getting up from his nap. Oh well. I will find a way to get myself out of bed and start meditating as an early morning practice. I've got to find a place in my house to set up my meditation spot, which may be a challenge, but I'm not gonna let that stop me.

I'll have to post more about Anger when it's got the better of me and I'm in the mood. Right now I'm feeling pretty happy and relaxed. And ready for bed.

Day 27

I'm on plan for 27 days. Today's weight at home is 191, down 11 pounds since starting at LAWL. Good stuff!

My food is going well, but I haven't started working out yet, which I will do maybe today. I have been carrying around a lot of anger lately. It's really eating me up inside and I've got to do something about it. Hoping the treadmill will help.

Getting my nails done at noon, and going to LAWL to weigh in after that. Plans for a Saturday night away with DH in New Harmony for our anniversary which is Sunday. 12 years. I hope it goes well. I'm not feeling all warm and fuzzy toward him lately, which is partly his fault, partly mine. The anger doesn't allow room for warm and fuzzy.

I wonder if this anger is coming out because I'm not self medicating with sugar, flour, and fat? Is it bubbling out because it's not stuffed down? Has it always been there but is just now coming to the surface because it's not smothered in donuts? I wonder what else is going to come out now that I'm not numb from food. A little scary to imagine.

Day 20, OP

20 days, on plan. No cheating. It's shocking. I've never ever gone that long, almost 3 weeks, into the 20s out of the teens, with clean food. When I grocery shop, like tonight, my cart is filled with the outside aisles-- I only venture inward for my pineapple cups, plain oatmeal, and frozen veggies/Amy's Kitchen meals. No more of the foods that held me prisoner. I'm not sneaking home donuts or muffins or poptarts or ice cream.

I look at them, though. Like tonight, Ben & Jerry's had a flavor I hadn't seen before, "Karamel Sutra." Ha, what a play on words. Yes, B&J, your ice cream was my substitute for the Kama Sutra for a long time. And caramel is one of my favorites. But no more. I will not have food as my secret lover any longer. I will not plan rendezvous after everyone else is in bed, or secret meetings in the car after shopping at Target. I no longer have no power over the donuts that go in my cart; I can say no and mean no. I look, but I'm not longing for it. Just surprised that a mere 3 weeks ago I was powerless to walk away.

So my dinner tonight was a cup of cooked broccoli, 2 cups of lettuce and 1 and 1/2 Tbsp lite dressing (Paul Newman, now you're a man after my heart.... your lite raspberry walnut dressing curls my toes). All measured, all on plan, and all very satisfying. Except for the last half of my LA Lite bar, my food for the day is done. And I'm fine with that.

It's surprising, but this strictness of food portions and rations works for me. With WW, I had too much freedom, I suppose, too many choices and too many ways to let the little demons in to screw it all up. Not so with LAWL. I have the bubbles to fill in to mark off my portions, and that's that.

So a total of 2.6 pounds lost this week, for a total of 10.4 since starting LAWL. Only 51.6 more to go.

LA Weight Loss

My dear online friend Vickie, who is ever curious and ever lovely in her pursuit of knowing how I'm doing, wants to know what LA Weight Loss is. Let me explain.

Princess Leia's plea through R2D2 says it best : "Help me Obi Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope." LAWL is my Obi Wan. It's my only hope at this point. I've done it all, I've failed it all. I'm done with giving in to the Dark Side and want to be a Jedi Master of weight loss and weight control.

So after seeing a couple of my friends have success there, I visited our local LAWL franchise. I met with a weight loss counsellor, who, much like the obstetrician calculating my due date, put my weight loss goal on a paper disc, turned the dial, and declared I would be at my goal weight of 145 pounds by September 21, 2007.

Then we talked about the program itself. I'm a "Purple," and I get to eat the following every day:
Proteins: 2 (6 oz chicken, 3/4 c cottage cheese, 3 TBSP peanut butter, etc)
Veggies: 4 (1 c raw, 1/2 c cooked)
Fruits: 3 (1 apple, 1/2 banana, etc)
Starches: 2 (35 cal bread, etc)
Dairy: 1 (8 oz skim milk in my daily latte--thank God I didn't have to give that up)
Fat: 1 (tsp butter, tsp olive oil, my personal favorite--15 pistachios)
LA Lites: 2

Awwww, the LA Lite candy bars. This is where they getcha. They are dee-licious and also the main reason I don't crave junk food. They ARE the junk food. They also cost an assload of money. I paid for ~ 2 years worth and it was around $1500. OMG, I know. But listen, I'm desperate, the program Works (seen it first hand in my friends and the skinny people who still weigh in there), and damn it, I'm worth it.

I meet with a counselor 3 times a week, where I weigh in, the counselor checks my food diary, and we chat. Total accountability, every other day (except weekends). This, my friends, is why the program really works for me. If I cheat, they'll know. If I cheat but lie on my food journal, who am I hurting? MYSELF. And, they'll know anyway because I weigh in 3 times a week.

And I'll be wasting an assload of money (didn't I use that already)? In total, I spent $2347. On my emergency credit card. THIS is an emergency if ever there was one. $348 for the program cost (which is a DEAL, since I joined during friends and family) and $1999 on LA Lites and 6 months of supplements.

Here's the other thing about LAWL-- once the weight is off, you go through an 8 week transition phase to maintenance. You meet with a counselor 2 times per week and add food back in, a little at a time until you reach your maintenance food level. Then you are on maintenance for a YEAR. You meet with a counselor once a week for a YEAR. Studies show if you can keep it off a year or more, you're very likely to keep it off.

The fact that I've gone for 19 days now with NO CHEATING, sticking to this program to a freakin T says something. I've never done that before. I've lost 10 pounds so far. I feel great. I don't crave foods now when I used to-- like when I'm stressed or emotional. If anything, I have to make myself eat.

It's an expensive program. It's a big time commitment. It's a pain to have to bring veggies and fruit to work, and not to eat out all the time. But aren't I worth it? You bet your skinny ass I am.